Valleys & Shadows

Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
- from Save a Place by Matthew West

Here's something I've learned about this journey: It is very much like the experience of walking through the death of someone you love. The fact that others who have walked through forced termination from ministry say the same thing lets me know I'm not going crazy when I feel this way.

In the beginning, in those first, awful days, I would often wake up in the morning and, for a few blissful seconds, remember nothing of our exploding lives & shattering dreams. Then, steadily, the memories would seep back in, and I would experience the death of life as we knew it all over again.

These days, the painful times are fewer and less raw, but they still come.

Like when my sweet friend had a baby . . . and I couldn't visit her in the hospital or take her a meal.

And when another friend lost her spouse . . . and I couldn't hug her or watch her kids for the day to give her a break.

Or like the days when I'm just plain mad that I have to make new friends at a new church . . . when I have a perfectly good set of friends at the old church - the one I never wanted to have to leave in the first place.

And, like today in church, when I listened to somebody up front read Christ's prayer for unity among believers (John 17) and thought "Unity among believers? Bologna!" . . . and then felt guilty for feeling that way.

Not very pretty, is it? But then trials seldom are!

The good news is that God is still God . . . and I am not.

God is still good.

Still faithful.

Still crazy-loves me.

Still working everything out for my greatest good by bringing him greatest glory.